Submission by Ruth Iwelumo

"This is not the happiest piece, but I wrote this when I was at a really low place about two months ago. I am doing better, but I just wanted to share because It just helps to know that you are not alone with the way you feel. We are all not normal, we are all going through it. The hope is for us to be be all okay. We all deserve to be loved. Life is so beautiful, yet so ugly." - Ruth Iwelumo

Life is so beautiful, yet so ugly 1

(September 2019)

Death’s just death. No one understands it. Do you know how it feels to hurt so much. To just want to be gone. I know I am loved but It’s never enough for my brain I get so tired of breathing, of being, of living I think about death recently every day I don’t know. I feel like I will make it. I will live. Whatever that means But if I end up dying, I just want you to know that I tried I love everyone in my life. I feel like I am not supposed to be here. I feel like no one really loves me or wants me here I feel like I am doing everything wrong I feel so empty. I feel so lonely, I feel so wrong. I do not feel like I am supposed to exist. Feeling this way is what kills me. I just want to be normal. I want a normal brain. I want to be a normal friend. I want to love life. I want to talk and not feel like im hurting everyone around me I don’t understand I hope for a happy ending But death’s just death no one understands it. Is there something wrong with me I just want to be free I just want to breathe It’s so hard to do anything when you can not stop crying. I hold my throat sometimes as I cry. Imagine strangling myself. Wishing the human mind was capable of doing that. But knowing at the last moment your brain will make you let go. It’s flight or fight response. It’s normal But I am not normal.

Life is so beautiful, yet so ugly 2.

Today I am breathing I look up at the sky It looks so beautiful I want to be here forever in this space In this time The world will not be the same without me Who would smile at the sun if I was not here, Who would laugh in the rain. My journal would have no more sketches if I wasn’t here. I am in pain but not for long There is a moment everything is okay Everything will be okay. I have lost a friend, I have lost a lot I have lost myself but I am finding her again I am in pain I am in pain but I am okay I love to feel the sun on my skin Life is so beautiful My pain makes me feel alive. It connects me to my existence here I am in pain but it will be okay because I am waiting for those moments The moments where I look at the sky and everything is beautiful Everything is okay I am okay.

You can see more of Ruth Iwelumo's work by following her on Instagram @ruth.iw.